


Troubled Mind

by Khauro



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Angst and Drama, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Crying Draco Malfoy, Death Eater Draco Malfoy, Depression, Draco Malfoy Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Good Draco Malfoy, Lonely Draco Malfoy, Oblivious Draco Malfoy, One Shot, POV Draco Malfoy, Panic Attacks, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Sad Draco Malfoy, Scared Draco Malfoy, Second War with Voldemort, Self Confidence Issues, Talking To Dead People, Trust Issues, Vulnerable Draco Malfoy, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24382957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khauro/pseuds/Khauro
Summary: (ONE-SHOT) Left to his own initiative, Draco Malfoy’s mission to kill Albus Dumbledore had gradually become difficult than he had anticipated. With the threat of harm to his family and himself, he began to crumble under the pressure. Alone and scared, he was given an opportunity to confess his fears to someone, only it wasn’t who he was expecting—Moaning Myrtle.Timeline: 6th year at Hogwarts, Half Blood Prince. Canon.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	Troubled Mind

  
On the passageway by the marble stairs leading to the seventh floor of the Hogwarts castle stood the boys' bathroom.

Inside, the sun's rays would flood directly through the glass windows, permeating the space with a pleasant and relaxing impression caught by anyone who would enter. Like the rest of the bathrooms at Hogwarts, the sixth-floor bathroom could turn what could be a likeable setting to be one of the gloomiest and most depressing places over time. When the sky was awash with various shades of grey, the light hardly penetrated the windows. Not all students liked the idea of staying in dark corridors, most especially inside an empty bathroom when rain was pouring heavily outside, and pounding on the panes. The thought itself was downright absurd, not to mention hair-raising and spine-chilling. One pale, bony faced student with white-blond hair, however, would rather spend the day alone and unescorted.

Draco Malfoy sat in a far corner of the boys' bathroom on the sixth floor. An abandoned cubicle completely obscured and hid him from the prying eyes of other students who would come in and out of the door. During the first five years of school, Draco had maintained a relatively healthy look. These times, however, visible on his features even in the shadows, was the stress that cursed him with greying skin, lost weight, and bags under his tired eyes. One look at him would tell that he had been restraining himself from shedding tears - but failing miserably. His body shook when they welled from deep inside and coursed down his cheeks. A moan would then escape his lips when he suppressed the sound of hiccups.

He let out a shuddering breath and buried his head in his arms, completely concealing from view his sad and unsettled features. Unbeknownst to him, a squat ghost of a girl peered surreptitiously around a cubicle door, eyes blinking for a moment before gliding softly. She wore the glummest face half-hidden behind lank hair and thick, pearly spectacles. Bearing in mind to stay at least a few feet away from anyone, she silently observed the trembling boy, not knowing what to say. She had seen him so many times in the bathroom. Her curiosity had grown to a point where it was too much and she had to confront him. She had talked to too many crying students over the many years that it was second nature for her to say some comforting words quite easily.

She approached him cautiously and gave the gentlest of sound a voice she thought was appropriate for this kind of scenario. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Draco snapped his head up, his heart pounding painfully in his chest at being caught unawares by a student. He blinked and let out a gasp of surprise when his eyes met the owner of the voice.

"I'm sorry," whispered the girl frantically, an expression of regret for scaring the boy showed on her face. She backed away quickly until she was a good number of feet away from him. "I didn't mean to –"

But the boy cut off her words when he stood suddenly and bolted straight to the door.

"Please don't leave!" she called out. To her surprise, the boy stopped in his tracks, his hand a mere inches away from the handle.

"I'm not here to scare you," piped the girl at once. "I - I figured you needed someone to talk to… And," and she added quickly, "I'm Myrtle Warren."

"I know who you are." Draco's eyes remained coldly fixed on the door in front of him. "You're the one who haunts the girls' lavatory. I don't need to talk to anyone – much less to a ghost."

"You're right," Myrtle said quickly, disregarding the hurt she felt for being told off. "I don't mean to interfere on your private –"

Draco whirled around to face her. "Are you sure about that?" he asked in an annoyed voice.

Myrtle could clearly see now the tear tracks on his pale face. "I understand what you're fee –"

"No, you don't!" he snapped, his hands clenched into fists. "No one understands!"

"I do!" she said firmly, silver tears welling rapidly in her small, see-through eyes. "I know exactly what you're feeling… and don't tell me that I don't understand when that was the last thing I felt before I died!" She glided listlessly behind sinks, peeking tentatively at him.

Silence followed her words. Draco only stared at her, unable to find a retort. The sound of the rain lashing out against the window seemed to be doing a good job in expressing what they both were truly feeling inside. He contemplated whether to accept the offer, thinking that it was a very unusual thing for him to do to talk to someone who was already dead. He had done it before on different occasions but it only lasted minutes and he was okay with that. But this time, he felt uncomfortable regardless of how genuine the offer was.

Draco had known of Myrtle over the years. He had seen her cry, mostly because of Peeves the Poltergeist, or heard her wailing inside the bathroom. She was just a ghost he could ignore as far as he was concerned, and now the mere thought of opening up to this particular ghost, who was known to take great offence at the smallest slight and to cry rivers of tears, proved to be ridiculous. He was bad enough at comforting any girl, woman, or child and what more to a dead person who was undeniably skilled at breaking eardrums for wailing. _At least she was being open about what she was feeling,_ he told himself.

Draco heaved a deep sigh and sat back down.

Cautiously, Myrtle glided nearer to him, still afraid that he would run off and never come back if she made any sudden moves. His eyes were downcast and looking miserable. Before she could open her mouth to speak, she heard him sniff.

"What's wrong?" she asked with concern.

Draco glanced sideways in her direction, but he didn't speak. His eyes swam with tears, and he shook at the fear he felt taking over his body.

"Please don't cry…" crooned Myrtle, her small, leaky eyes fixed on Draco, who was now definitely sobbing.

"I can't do it..." said Draco, shaking in between tears. "My attempts I - I keep failing… because of me, people are – are getting injured…"

Myrtle couldn't stop her tears from spilling as well. "What attempts? Who was injured? Why are _you_ the one crying? She sighed and added swiftly, "I guess you don't have to tell me anything. I'm just a transparent ghost after all."

But Draco only shook his head, having no desire to explain himself any further. His sobs echoed inside the room, but the sound was drowned slightly at the heavy pattering of the rain. He was scared… scared that people would find out… scared of getting caught… Draco knew that what he was tasked to do was against his will. He tried to be careful in his plans. The opal necklace and the bottle of mead were meant to be given to Albus Dumbledore. He wanted nothing more but to end his mission successfully… to end with no other casualties… but he knew his attempts were crude and poorly calculated.

"Let me help you…" offered Myrtle in a gentle voice. "Tell me what's bothering you…"

"I can't… he'll – he'll kill me…" said Draco with growing anxiety.

Myrtle went beside him, her translucent skin almost touching his. "Who is?" she asked in a whisper.

Draco sobbed uncontrollably this time, not caring whether his grief had affected the ghost.

Myrtle sighed miserably. She placed a comforting hand on Draco's arm even though the attempt was futile, her hand simply passing through. Draco shuddered at the sudden cold, but he dismissed it.

"You're going to be fine," she said consolingly. "No one's going to kill you… whatever you're attempting to do will work out in the end… you'll see…"

This statement didn't seem to work with Draco when he still continued his heart-wrenching sobs.

"You don't know what he – he can do!" cried Draco, fear evident in his voice. "I've seen him ki – kill people on the spot!"

"Who is it?" asked Myrtle in frustration. "You can tell me."

Draco gazed fixedly at her, his face twisted in pure terror. "He'll kill me if he finds out – he'll torture –" He had gotten hysterical to the point that he couldn't complete his sentence.

"I won't tell… I promise you, I won't," Myrtle assured him.

Draco's body trembled. He inhaled deeply. His eyes were bloodshot from too much crying, but he said in a faint whisper while shaking his head, unable to hide the terror in his eyes, "I shouldn't have joined him… It's a mistake! But - but I don't have a choice… I shouldn't have become a – a –" But his words died again as he sobbed.

"We all make mistakes," said Myrtle quietly. "Even if you made a bad choice, don't let it destroy you. You can always change the course of your actions. I did at one point in my life… it was hard, but it was worth a try."

"I could have made some different choices… but I did, I can't undo," Draco said bitterly, feeling the constricting mark on his forearm. "I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. They taunt me… bully me…" He thought of all the occasions that he had endured from the Death Eaters and so-called friends.

"You have to learn to say no without feeling guilty," said Myrtle. "Setting boundaries is healthy. You need to learn to respect and take care of yourself."

Draco raised his eyebrows at her words. "Yeah… you sure did take care of yourself seeing as you're already dead!" he spat between his hiccups. "Someone like you will never understand."

Myrtle glared at him from above the sink, unable to suppress her irritation any longer. Her eyes glistened with angry tears when she spoke, "I wish people would stop assuming that I would never understand what they're going through! Yes, terrible things had happened to me, and I'm only saying those things so you wouldn't have to experience the same thing!"

"Why do you do that every time?" asked Draco suddenly, frowning at Myrtle's tear-stained face.

"What?"

"Cry all the bloody time!"

"Well, I shall ask the same thing for you!" said Myrtle fiercely. "I see you hide here constantly and cry as well!"

"It's none of your business!" hissed Draco with a glowering look.

"Oh, really?" scoffed Myrtle. "You better find another hiding spot to cry on where no one else could see you, then!"

"Yeah, I should've done that! I should've known that you own the entire bloody lavatory in the castle that it wasn't hard for you to pry in other people's business!"

She took a dive from the sink and stopped right in front of Draco. "It wasn't my fault that you decided to show up here more often than I'd like you to!" she howled.

Draco gave her a look, unable to believe that he was having a stupid row with a ghost. He sighed heavily and dropped his gaze slowly on to the floor.

"I have nowhere else to go to," mumbled Draco, his solemn face returning.

Myrtle's anger toward Draco had dissipated all of a sudden after hearing his words and a look of concern had come back. "I may not be the person you'd most likely choose to talk to… Not many people do... they don't even miss me... but I'm here…"

Draco didn't say anything; he merely stared at the miserable-looking ghost who took his silence as an opportunity to keep talking.

"I had my moments, too, you know… I would hide for hours… and no one seemed to care what I feel or where I go… people would rather wish that I don't show up anymore…" she said gloomily, looking at him out of swollen eyes. She glided back to the sink and sat down.

"If I could, I'd rather not show up and just leave," said Draco with a sombre expression. The task given to him by You-Know-Who was much more difficult than he had anticipated. He knew it was more than shameful to fail in killing his Headmaster; he had been full of desire for revenge at first and to return his father to You-Know-Who's favour, but he had begun to crumble under the pressure. His conscience was slowly tugging in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't continue with the task, but he had to.

Myrtle stared at him in disbelief. "Why would you think that?"

Draco gave her a shrug, thinking of You-Know-Who bitterly. "I thought if he was back, my family's glory days would return. I was ready to serve him and his new regime if he ever succeeds – but I was wrong… he – he discredited my father when he was sent to – " he stopped, unable to say "Azkaban prison". He went on after heaving a sigh, "He thought my father was a failure… I was left with no choice but to take his responsibility and bring honour back to our family…" The frantic note returned to his voice. "I haven't got any options! Their safety rests upon me!

"I know he expects me to fail the task – but I can't do it! I just want to leave all of this behind," said Draco, his hands trembling. He had managed, quite easily, to convince himself that the world would be a better place without the Hogwarts Headmaster. He was set with a burning sense of purpose to finish You-Know-Who's task for him, but it had been slowly disintegrating. _I don't want to be a murderer._

Myrtle's expression was full of concern. "You don't have to do anything if you don't want to… It's completely up to you." She looked unblinkingly at Draco through her thick spectacles. "Tell me who he is… I can help you."

Draco's face paled. "You don't understand, do you? He threatened me… said he'll kill me if I don't do it… he'll kill my whole family…"

"We can find ways to protect your family and yourself," Myrtle assured him, trying to ease his hardship. "There's always the Headmaster… you can talk to him and tell him your –"

"Haven't you been listening?" seethed Draco. "It's already hard enough for me to talk to you, more so to the Headmaster. Besides, he can't know about this… And," he added swiftly in a whisper that even Myrtle had to get closer to hear him, "Even Potter."

"Harry Potter?" asked Myrtle in surprise, her eyes fixed on him.

Draco frowned at the mention of Potter's name. He neither nodded nor answered her.

Myrtle gained an even mistier look in her eye. "I don't think you have to worry about him. I always thought Harry's such a sweetheart and the kind of person who wouldn't pry on other people's business -" and she added quickly in a menacing tone, "Only Peeves does it as if it wasn't enough to upset me for all the -"

Draco shook his head, "You're wrong. Potter's been acting funny around me. I've caught him, and I bet you anything he already suspects me." He remembered Severus Snape had told him without delay that someone was suspicious of his actions, what with his sudden loss of interest in Quidditch, becoming neglectful in his school-work, as well as not attending to his prefect duties which he would usually happily abuse to say a few. Potter was bound to notice the changes, most especially that Draco now spent less time mocking him and his friends for instance, despite the many opportunities. Draco was sure of it, but he didn't care. His mission was more important.

Myrtle looked at Draco in confusion. "Suspects you of what?"

"Whatever stinking Potter thinks he knows, I can't let him get in my way!" Draco said icily, remembering his last failed attempt. "I just have to be more careful next time. _Argh!_ " he yelled in irritation and frustration, his fist pounding the tiles. "Why does Potter always intervene in my affairs? He should just keep his nose out of it!"

Myrtle tensed up next to him. "I don't believe Harry would intervene –"

"Just shut your mouth, Mudblood!" Draco hissed in outrage, clearly not wanting to hear any more of Myrtle's defence of Potter. "You don't know what you're saying! You don't know anything!"

"Oh, really!" retorted Myrtle swiftly, her eyes matching Draco's look of rage but with tears forming beneath her eyelids. "And it's okay for you to call people names as hurtful as – people used to call me that many times before -"

"You better not start crying now!" he hissed at her. "I already have plenty of problems to worry about without you adding in it!"

Myrtle looked hurt at his words. She sailed upward menacingly and said, "You really do know how to appreciate someone who offered you company so you won't be alone!" she remarked tearfully, the unfair treatment irritating her to the extreme.

"Maybe I would have taken your offer if you only stopped crying around me! You're only spouting rubbish!"

"Well, you don't have to be so vile with me, you know!" she reprimanded. "And in case you haven't noticed, I'm sure I'm the only one who's putting up with your ridiculous behaviour right now without leaving you alone! You should at least be grateful."

 _I didn't ask for you to come!_ But Draco couldn't deny the fact that she was right. He inhaled sharply and brought his head down again.

They were silent for a while, not saying a word to each other. After calming down, Draco started in a low voice, "I know I'm being such a jerk, but I couldn't help it. I've hurt people's feelings –"

"And mine!" said Myrtle loudly, expressing her disapproval of being excluded.

Draco rolled his eyes. "And _ghosts_!"

Myrtle raised her eyebrows but she seemed contented at being addressed as such, nonetheless.

"I'm not usually like this," he continued.

"Like what?"

"Opening up…" Draco answered truthfully. "Confiding my thoughts to someone…"

"Why not?" asked Myrtle.

Draco took a moment before answering, "Because it's hard to trust people nowadays. They only put me down. That's why I choose to be alone - plan out my mission by myself. Some only want to know what I'm doing so they could steal my glory." His memory flickered to Severus Snape whom he knew was relentlessly determined to know of his plans. He would never take the man's offer to assist and protect him from harm no matter what. Even if Snape was highly favoured by You-Know-Who, Draco knew that he was a man of many secrets, and so was he.

"Don't worry when people put you down or talk behind your back," said Myrtle. "Those people have a need to find fault in your life because they can't fix the faults in their own. I've learned that the hard way. It was dreadful!" she said dramatically. "I spent most of my energy getting all worked up to the little things that annoyed me and had no control over. Before I know it, I – I –" Myrtle tried with all her might not to start weeping for the boy's sake.

Draco already guessed the word 'dead' before she could even finish her sentence. Now that he had thought about it, he had no idea what it was like to die. Would it hurt or would it be painless? He wondered how You-Know-Who would kill him if he had failed his mission. Would he be under the torture curse for a period of time until his body could take no more before killing him mercilessly? He shuddered.

"All I'm saying is… I don't want to fail," he said quietly. "Even though I might already be a failure or if others think I'm a failure."

"Sometimes, it takes a good fail to really know where you stand… but you are not a failure, and you need to quit telling yourself that," said Myrtle firmly. "Always think that you will succeed. Just believe in yourself."

Draco gave a sad smile in her direction.

The silence dragged between them again. By now, Draco knew he had used up his time and had to go back to the Slytherin common room. He stood up suddenly, taking Myrtle by surprise at his movement.

"Are you leaving?" Myrtle asked.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "I have to. Last time I checked, I'm still a student."

Myrtle looked mournfully all of a sudden, but with a hopeful gaze, she asked, "Will I see you again?"

"Maybe," said Draco curtly. He turned to walk out the door, but before he did, he glanced back to her and said, "Promise me you won't tell anyone about what we talked about."

"I promise I won't say a word to anyone," said Myrtle quickly, putting her hand up to gesture that his secret was safe with her. "I swear I won't."

Draco gave her a smirk. "Thanks," he said before disappearing behind the door.

A single ray of watery light pierced the bathroom window, shedding a spot where the blond-haired boy had been moments ago.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a one-shot. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Beta-read by KVeronicaP


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